Thursday, May 31, 2012

Nervous and Scared............

I knew coming to Tennessee that I would meet my dad for the first time. Of course I was kinda scared and nervous.. Yes I am 36 years old and maybe I shouldn't be nervous but I was.. Its a long story of why I never met him.. My mom was pregnant when she was still a senior in high school and living in Germany. When my grandparents found out she was pregnant, they sent her to the states to get her away from my dad. He attempted to send letters but my Great Grandma kept them from her. Everyone goes on with their life and I was 16 when I found out from the dad that raised me that I wasn't his. I was crushed but what could you do.
When I was 18, on the night of my graduation, my Aunt on my moms side called saying that my dads twin sister had found them and wanted to know if I would call them..
I called to say hi, but was to nervous to really talk.. Every summer, we went to Harriman Tennessee to stay the summer with my grandparents on my moms side. I called my Aunt Phyllis, who is my dads twin and told her I was ready to meet them.. My Aunt Phyllis and Aunt Alena came down to meet me, it was new but fun to me! I ended up coming to Clarksville and met the rest of my family that lives here. Everyone but my dad!
I stayed here and lived with my aunt for a few years! My dad tried calling me two times and that was all.. I moved on with my life now married and just dropped the fact of ever meeting my dad..
I honestly didn't care to, not even going to lie...
Life carries on and everyone goes their on ways..
2 weeks ago, my Aunt Phyllis calls me and tells me that my Grandpa is dying.. I did everything in my power to get her, and knowing that on that long drive here I would be meeting my dad for the first time and my children would be meeting their grandpa for the first time..
I let go of that pride that I had of not caring to know my father and realize that my children need a grandpa in their life... ( they lost their gpa on their dads side last December)
So We get here and he is the first person I see. He hugs me, tells me he loves me and starts talking to kids.. We have been here for two weeks and its slowly getting easier to talk to him.. Spencer spent the night with him and his wife, their grandma.
Spence had a blast and loves him.. I am glad he has took to him as well as he has. The other two are like me and I guess its gonna take them a lil longer to warm up to him. But now the questions of who I look like and Michael looks like are answered!
I know everyone wants us to bond and have this father/daughter relationship but its gonna take time, I cant be pushed into anything. I have faith that one day we will have the relationship that he longs for and my family longs for us, but right now its just gonna take some time!
I still don't have that feeling in my heart that I need to have a dad in my life at the age of 36 but I have been asked if I really do want it and maybe I have this wall up because I am afraid of being hurt!
I honestly don't know the answer to that, Maybe its something I will figure out one day. But until then, I am just gonna take it one day at a time!

Wednesday, May 30, 2012


I am not an angry person, so when anger gets thrown my way the only way I know how to react is to cry. I cant yell back or be angry back! I understand that my family is going thru so much right now and the only way for people to deal with grief is to YELL and be ANGRY!
I just have to keep telling myself that no one is angry with me per say, but angry with the situation. Angry with death... Even though death is a part of life, no one knows how to cope with it.. We all have to cope in our own ways.. Some yell and some cry..
I just keep telling myself, this to shall pass...
I know my Grandpa wouldn't want all this bickering and hatefulness, So I will just take it all in and hope it all passes soon..
My grandfather is in surgery as I type, hes having a skin graph done and it should take about three hours! His chances of surviving is 50-50..
Please pray for my family, please pray for my grandpa, please pray for the anger and that it will soon be gone!

Tuesday, May 29, 2012


I am not ready to say goodbye...

My Grandpa is really sick, hes been in ICU for 2 weeks.. He is in kidney failure, heart failure and his lungs keep retaining fluid. On top of all of this, a week ago he started swelling from his waist down. They said he was in toxic shock and had to do emergency surgery to remove gangrene.. It was life or death.. He almost died on the operating table, it took alot to keep him alive. He just came off the breathing tube this past weekend. He said he knows he is dying and he sees the light, he said he is ready to go!
My grandpa has to have another surgery, it was supposed to be tomorrow but hes not strong enough for the surgery right now..
Please continue to pray for my grandpa and my family. I wish our visits were not limited to just 4 visits a day =(
I know my grandpa has lived a long and happy life, But I am not ready to say goodbye!

back again.......

I am going to try and keep up this time......